I have a confession to make...

I've been breaking the rules!

And the silly thing is - I'm not really sure why because I really don't like to do that!!

I'm an honest person, I don't like to tell fibs let alone lie or make up fake excuses...and I really don't like breaking the rules!

Today was a classic at work - I essentially got a pre-warning warning. What on earth...I hear you ask?!

Well - for some reason I decided not to play by our compliance rules (despite being our department's most experienced compliance guru/nazi).

Essentially we have to get signoff before we print anything, or publish it on the website (surely you've seen the disclaimers at the end of bank/credit union ads?!). And for some reason - my brain decided to forget/ignore that and I just went about my job publishing a few things without the essential sign-off.

When I realised what I was doing today - of course I dobbed myself in. And I felt really awful about the whole thing - I haven't felt that guilty in ages! 

Particularly because my boss copped it a bit from another Exec. But I didn't get told off by my boss, because I did the telling off for him!

The best excuse I could come up with was having a brain fade...but then I wondered whether part of me did know what I was doing and just figured I could get away with it.

Me - get away with it, ha!

As Mum & Dad (and Nathan, and pretty much all other friends) will vouch - I'm an awful liar. 

If I get asked a direct question, I'm useless at telling a fib to cover it, I tend to just tell the truth or kind of go 'aaahhhh, well...' and hope the subject evaporates or gets changed!

And I'm not one of those kids who ever 'got away with it' because I'd usually feel guilty and dob myself in!

So anyway, why am I doing this and what's the lesson to learn?

Well after feeling guilty and beating myself up about it for an hour or so, I couldn't help but giggle. The whole thing is so silly to do something wrong effectively on purpose!

It dawned on me that this is a great example of self-sabotage, which appears to be showing up in a few ways of late.

Whether it's eating things I know my body doesn't like and figuring oh I'll be ok, despite knowing I'll feel ick after.

To not wearing the right attire to work (as in a bit more casual then I should be) - again I figured I could probably get away with it...because I work in marketing! Apparently not, because our HR manager had a whisper to our boss (about our whole department, not just me!)

And then little silly things like not sending in a form on time...staying over the time limit in a parking spot...not getting to work on time...beating myself up over things that have happened in the past...procrastinating...ignoring updating our budget...not making the time to study even though I love it...

It's like I'm angling for punishment!

Anyway, I'm going to put it out there that 'I release the need to self-sabotage' and see what else comes up as I go about ditching this old pattern that definitely no longer serves me.

And speaking of release...in exciting news - I got into Half Lotus in yoga yesterday for the first time, yippee! Here's picture evidence...

Look at me go!

It was a great surprise last night and confirms that I have let go of tension and blocks from my hips, which in mind-body terms means more balance in my life and I'm moving forward with ease.

And ain't that the truth!

So anyway, with the self-sabotage, rather than see this as a set-back or something I'm doing 'wrong'...I'm going to see it just as something else to let go of because I don't need it anymore.

And I'm looking forward to seeing what takes it's place!

What SHOULD I do next?

I've fallen into a familiar pattern in the last week - it's a mix of fear and procrastination.

Hence no blogs in a week - despite overflowing with subject matter to write about, in fact I think I'd have enough for at least 2 weeks in advance!!

Anyway, back to the familiar pattern...

I find that when things start to build up in my life, as in I have a bunch of things I want to do and they're coming at me from all angles...I start to withdraw, and in fact I can just want it all to stop!

Rather than just chipping away at my tasks, I decide to just sit back and look at it all...hoping that magically someone else can sort it all out for me!

Heaven forbid I do what makes me feel best and sit down to write my to-do list then have a plan of action...nope I like to put things off and not start things, while my subconcious feeds me thoughts throughout the day like...

'Eeeeekkkkk, what do I do next? When will I be able to do ALL of this? Will I be able to do every task? What if I don't do it RIGHT? What if I'm not reading the signs right here and I'm doing the WRONG thing? Can I afford to do that class, buy that book?"

And I say subconcious - because often I don't actually notice this thought speaking aloud in my head.

Nope - the clear indicator for me this week has been that insidious feeling of anxiety sitting on my chest...it's not strong, but it's there, just simmering away under the surface.

So I know I'm fearing something about the future, because my body tells me so loud and clear!

This is definitely an old record, and one that's essentially an automatic reaction...because once I start to look at in conciously, I realise I'm actually fine.

I have plenty of choices. I'm actually really good at planning, and at chipping away at things.

But when I let the old record play - it's all about 'if I don't have enough time to do it ALL and all at once, I don't want to even start.'

The old ducks in a row syndrome eh!

You know the one - unless all ducks are standing very neatly in a row, I can't even begin.

Do I have to know every part of where something's going to end up before you get started?

No, of course not! But my brain likes to tell me that. And it also likes to tell me that it's going to take ages, so no point even starting because I won't have the time.

My instant reaction when I'm in this kind of mode is eek, how can I do it all.

What an internal drama queen I am!

So as you can see - I've got some rewiring to start this week...bit by bit I might add!

And here's some inspirational thoughts to get me moving...

In the words of Nike - Just do it.

In the words of a lot of people - feel the fear and do it anyway.

And to finish with today - a sentence I've heard Marianne Williamson say over & over again this week in a clip on Hayhouse Radio...radio for your soul...

Your greatest fear is not that you're inadequate. Your greatest fear is that you're powerful beyond measure.

And isn't that the truth.

Giddyup - it's time to rock and roll.

It doesn't have to be done perfectly, it just has to be done

This one sentence revolutionised my world a few weeks ago.

I was listening to Denise Linn on Hayhouse Radio (one of my favourite past-times) and this came through so clearly to me, it was like she was talking directly to me!!

She said to a caller 'It doesn't have to be done perfectly, it just has to be done. And you know what, you need to be willing to do it badly.'

It just makes so much sense!

In the past, I was fabulous at procrastinating because I wanted to 'do it right', or I didn't want to start something until I knew I had the time to do it all at once.

I say in the past, because I've committed to changing my ways! And boy has it made a difference.

This blog in itself is a great example - I had thought about it for a good few weeks, but wanted to have the 'right' look, or start with the right words or photos or whatever.

But you know what, it didn't have to be perfect. I just needed to get started....and look at me go now!

Any time I feel myself delaying on something, I remind myself...it doesn't need to be done perfectly. And it's like it's permission just to take the next step and see where it leads.

So the big question is - what in your life do you need to just do?

It feels so much better just to keep the energy flowing rather than think about how you haven't done something time and time again!

Speaking of which...time to go wrap my Christmas presents...