The making of a miracle

Well here I am, 35 weeks pregnant and counting...counting down to the day we'll be holding our little one in our arms! 

Amazing really that we're in the home stretch now - excuse the pun, because stretching is what I'll be doing as this bub chubs up!

Anyway, as I alluded to in this blog, it took us some time to collect all the ingredients we needed to get this little bun in the oven.

Only a few months shy of 3 years in fact.

I thought about blogging about it so many times, as a release and to also let others in the same boat know they're not alone.

But then it was all a bit raw, confusing and so often painful. And I think I didn't want to tell the world to avoid those knowing looks accompanied by "oh you're 'trying'..." thoughts/words!

So going back the few years, our big decision came about like this...

I woke up at a friends house having had a really vivid dream where the punchline was that I was looking at things around the wrong way.

Cue the kerplunk...

Turn to Nathan excitedly and say, oh I get it - we can have kids, then go overseas again! 

But boy I never realised that this one decision would then unleash a whole host of changes and challenges.

Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Physically, it wasn't as simple for me as stopping taking the pill after more than 10 years and bingo I'm back in sync. (Which also had to do with the mentally & emotionally bit, but more on that later).

Stopping taking it was definitely a cracker decision in itself because it had positive effects on my body and mind.

But I didn't go back to a 'normal' cycle and then the year later when I came across Ayurveda and lost almost 15kg and shed a bunch of mental weight as well, that had repercussions and it turned into 3 month cycles rather than a bit over a month.

(And being a bit over a month wasn't actually that big a deal but I was still suffering from perfectionist tendencies at the time so I made it into one!)

I kept looking at myself thinking what's 'wrong' with me...and so I tried a few different approaches, a few vitamins and things to see if that would 'fix' it but then that lead to other issues. Mainly because they were intended to fix something that wasn't really there to begin with.

I went to see a Gyno and almost immediately was offered a drug that'd fling a bunch of eggs out to give us a better shot at getting pregnant.

But that didn't compute with me because it wasn't going to make my cycles more regular or bring my body into balance. Yes it might fix a symptom, but the cause would still remain. That and if it lead to me getting pregnant - would the issue still be there again once I'd had the bub?

Deep down I also knew that there wasn't anything wrong with me as such and I didn't need the drugs.

And that if I really believed in the mind-body connection and that everything happens at the right time that I'd been duping myself out of a chance to follow that through.

Fortunately for me, Nathan was on the exact same page so I had his full support.

So I stopped taking my plethora of vitamins, stopped seeking interpretations from different practitioners and decided I needed to do this myself. (And with Nathan by my side of course!)

From there, I did my best to simplify and kept trying to figure out what mental & emotional blocks were there that were manifesting physically.

Then last year I went almost 6 months without a period and that was the catalyst to leave full-time work and get my health back on track.

I'd been asked so many times whether I had stress in my life and while I didn't really think I did, for me a little bit can go a long way.

I realised that I just had too much going on and hadn't actually stopped for 6 months to recharge and renew...and my body was echoing that.

Amazingly the day after I resigned was the day my new cycle started, funny that!

The other aspect to the physical side in the last year or so was what came to be dubbed the uterus of fire!

Sorry if you get a bit icked by bodily things, but my last few periods were accompanied by astonishing cramps and pain, almost passing out and not being able to function until drugs kicked in. (And no, I didn't like having to resort to drugs but got over that too!)

Again, being such a strong believer in the mind-body connection, I think the pain was heavily linked to guilt and not wanting to have my period. Because having it meant I wasn't pregnant, which was bad because we really wanted to be! Hence the strain and pain. Meow, even thinking about it now brings it back and it really was awful!

Mentally. Ah mentally. Like I said, I didn't realise that the one decision would expand out so much.

I also didn't realise how many different beliefs I was carrying about getting pregnant and having kids!

But true to form, I had to peel the many layers back to get to the core, just like I'd done with other big things in my life.

At the start, Nathan & I didn't tell anyone that we'd decided kiddies would be cool, because we'd wanted it to be a 'surprise'. But then also because I think at the time I didn't want the pressure of others knowing and I'd wondered what others would think of me (yep that old chestnut was still around then too!).

Early on I also went through waves of being excited then flipping that on its head and thinking nooooo! If I get pregnant my life will end...aka work will stop, I won't be able to travel or do other things I'd planned, I'll be the one looking after the bub, etc etc.

Funny seeing as I'm looking forward to that all now!

At that time too I was still running a few anxiety habits - mainly that I wanted it to happen quickly so it all be over with and I wouldn't have to go through anything. That's a good one that one.

There was also letting go of the dream of going back overseas before kiddywinks, something I always thought I'd do and in part had let that define me. And so that created the lesson of 'no decision is absolute - you can always make a new one'!

Right throughout it too, we had the fun task of holding on to our belief that the Universe has got it all under control and we just have to keep the faith because everything happens at the right time.

But I tell you what, there was many a teary moment of 'I know it's going to happen at the right time, but I'd just like to know when that's going to be'!!!

And the blame and shame moments, they were fun too. It can be a difficult thing not to blame yourself when you find out that everything's fine & dandy with your partner from a physical perspective, so then clearly, it's all my fault.

But of course that's a crock, because there's sooooo many elements that need to be in place to get pregnant. When you think hard enough about it, it's phenomenal that so many little tackers are born because the timing does have to be perfect!

There was a bunch of other stuff too, but I'm blaming pregnant brain because nothing else is coming to me at the moment! (Oh and yes, pregnancy brain is real, even though I'd hoped it was a myth!!)

Emotionally, wowee what a rollercoaster!

Excitement, frustration, shame, happiness, sadness, wonderment, anguish, guilt, blame, embarrassment, anticipation, you name it, I had it all.

Even right to the end. The weekend before we found out was Easter and we were at a friend's place having a great weekend.

One of the conversations I had with the girls was about babies and where we were at. Finding out that another one of my friends had fallen pregnant in just 2 months seemed to tip the balance for me.

Which was interesting because right throughout the process I never got sad, angry or upset if someone else got pregnant - I was always super excited for them. Mainly because I think I knew that everyone has a different set of circumstances that lead them to getting pregnant so no point comparing.

But that night I ended up sobbing on Nathan's chest saying 'I don't understand what we're doing wrong and what I still need to learn. Why does this have to be so hard?' (Not for the first time!)

At this point in time I was a couple of weeks late, even by my irregular standards. But I'd thought that I'd managed to 'do it to myself again', and despite my best efforts, even though I'd stopped work some stress must be lingering still.

So I did end the sobfest with, yes it would be funny if I'm getting hung up about this and it turns out I am pregnant now.

Well as we found out that next Thursday - YES I AM, YIPPPPPEEEEEEEEE!!!

So there you go - all's well that ends well!!

Looking back on it all, it definitely did play out exactly like it was supposed to.

We've both said numerous times that thank goodness the Universe is much more clever than us because if we had fallen pregnant when we first decided we wanted to then yikes!

It would have been a very different pregnancy, and we definitely weren't in the position we are now physically, mentally, emotionally or even financially.

And I think the timing itself was geared around a few defining beliefs that Nathan & I had, including...

I wanted to be physically fit and as balanced as I could be before getting pregnant. Tick.

While we knew you can never be truly ready for kids from a money or a maturity perspective, we'd like to be in a decent position. Tick.

I called the last few years my research phase where I was finding out more about looking after babies and kiddywinks so we'd have some idea of what to do. Tick.

I used to be of the school of thought of dogs after kids, but then decided to swap sides. Tick.

And one that really stands out for me - I distinctly remember sitting at a naturopath appointment about midway through this journey. Through tears I said 'I don't want to pass on my anxieties to my child'...which meant I'd wanted to deal with all of that and not have it as part of my life when I got pregnant. Big tick!


So there you have it. I hope you made a cuppa before embarking on this thesis! And while for some this might just be a story, I'm sure it'll hit a bit closer to home for others.

If you are someone who's been keen to have kids and it hasn't happened as quickly as you thought, then I feel for you.

What I learnt is that it is a big burden to carry yourself and that while you don't need to scream it from the rooftops, you might be surprised by the overwhelming amount of love and support you get even by telling just one other person.

And that there's actually a lot of people who are just like you.

And that you're not weird or somehow defective.

Lots of love xoxoxox

PS If I'm the person you can tell about it, I'd be more than happy to listen, provide tissues and help any way that I can.

Testing...testing...is this thing on?

Well hello there and yes it has been quite some time since you've seen this little blog in action!

7 months and change, and it feels nice to be back on the blogging bus. But boy does my life look a bit different to what it did back in February!

So without further adieu, here's a quick wrap up of my life at the moment...

I'm 27 weeks pregnant!

This is definitely the biggest and most obvious change to my life this year. And one I'm super excited about! Our little beebee is due 12/12/12 and yep, we're hoping its got a sense of occasion and comes out on that day - talk about a cracker birthdate!!

It was a good few years in the making (we definitely didn't fall into the category of Nathan only having to look at me and I'd be up the duff!) but that's a-whole-nother story I'll get to in the coming weeks.

Being pregnant has taught me plenty of things...but best of all, it's been a fabulous journey for me which I've absolutely loved, and I've felt fantastic the whole way along.

We have a pooch!

Not long after I wrote the last blog, we fell for a little Kelpie X with funny little ears at our local petshop...and decided to make Lola part of the McCliffy family.

Well that definitely had its lowpoints at the start, but it rocks now and we love our little pupster!

I now run my own successful business from the comfort of my own home

And how. Giving up full-time work and becoming my own boss was definitely one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.

I get to use my writing powers for good for a variety of people, do it when I want to and add to our bank account - noice!

Ah, but I know what you're thinking...that's all great Jess, but what have you learnt this year? Plenty!

Simplify

This has been one of the key parts of my year this year - simplifying my life. As you know, I used to have lots of ideas and plans flying about, and liked to fill my time with a myriad of stuff.

Well this year, I've been doing the opposite! Deciding to leave full-time work was the first part, and it was all about getting my life and health in better balance.

And just quietly - once I became pregnant, I didn't have a great deal of choice but to do less! I found out that there would be days that I'd just need to lie on the couch for 3 or 4 hours because I was pooped...because you know, my body was doing an absolute world of stuff!

That and my brain just didn't have the room. Getting my few bits of work done each week, looking after the pup, making time to rest and watching the changes to my body was well and truly enough.

What I also found interesting, was that once I found out about becoming a mum, a lot of the other things I'd be rushing to do or cram into my life just kind of dropped away.

I became really quite content knowing that this year was about our little family growing and that the other things that I'd like to do (be it study, travel, start new enterprises) - well they'll all happen at some point, but I don't need to think about it for now.

Not that it happened instantly - I do distinctly remember a conversation with Kylie where I was saying about feeling like maybe I need to be doing more (be it study, starting up ideas I'd had, etc) and she said the best thing...

Jess, growing a baby is enough for this year!!!

But I think this has now given me a reference point...knowing our little one comes into the world late this year then sort of plots out the timing for a few other things. And it'll all unfold when its supposed to.

Trust...everything happens at the right time

Boy oh boy, was this one that got tested the past few years. Exhibit a) was wondering when on earth it was finally going to be the right time for us to become parents!

This year, I've become a lot more relaxed about timing in general, holding onto my belief that everything happens exactly when its supposed to, and that the Universe always, always brings us what's best for us.

It's affected the little things, eg not stressing if I'm going to be a little late for an appointment - I'll get there at the perfect time. And who knows why I need to be there then?!

Also knowing that we'll keep getting the clues we need to move forward with what we're doing.

Oh and another big thing was trusting I'd made the right decision to leave work...and then, that work will keep flowing in.

And it was, and it has!

The other big part of trust this year has been trusting myself and my intuition. Bodywise, this has meant going with what I feel like eating and doing, knowing that body and beebee know what they need. Took some getting used to, but hey - why fight it if you want to eat chocolate!!!!

Also I've become soooo much better at trusting the little intuitive nudges and ideas I get - and I've been doing pretty well to act on them, even if I don't know where it's all leading to!

Live in the now

This is definitely the best thing that Lola has taught me this year - yep I've now got a pup as a teacher too!

Anyone with a dog (or any animal really) will know that they only live in the now, they don't know any other way.

So Lola coming onto the scene was perfect for me, because she reminded me so many times to just focus on whats happening in this instant.

That and we've had lots of fun this year, playing in the now!!

It's all about balance

Again, the whole reason I made the decision to leave my job last year was to find more balance in my life and as it turns out, I've managed to achieve that!

I went to an Ayurveda appointment a month or so ago to check in and find out about the Ayurvedic approach to being pregos is...and the dude was most impressed that my doshas were all so in balance. Look at me go!

It's definitely what I credit for my current situation...for me, I think being able to bring my body and mind into a pretty good state before I became pregnant has lead to having an awesome time of it.

No morning sickness (which has made many friends want to kick me!) and none of the other side effects a lot of other people get...just feeling balanced and if anyone asks me how I'm feeling/going, I can honestly say 'I'm excellent'!!.

So getting back to balance, I'm doing pretty well with the work part and rest...although as I've found this last month, I do need to remember that while I'm in the glory stage of being preggas (aka 2nd trimester and start of 3rd) where you have the most energy - there's still a lot going on inside and I do need to make time to rest each day!

My focus at the moment is just weaving a bit more play back in, which I include as doing things that make me smile and light me up inside.

Just like this blog!

So yes, you will be seeing more of me on here which I'm quite excited about. I really haven't done much writing at all this year for myself personally - it's turned out to be a year of dealing with things as they occur by thinking or speaking about them.

But I still heart words in a big way, so I'm back baby!!!

PS I love this pic of Lola - I was playing around with my new fandangled Digital SLR and she walked right up to the lens...huh, what's all this about?!

Our incredible disappearing act!

Geez, what happened to the other half of you?


Have you lost weight?


Have you lost more weight?


Wow you're looking great - what have you been doing?

These are some of the comments both Nathan and I have been getting over the last 6 or so months.

So what's our secret? It's just one simple word...

Ayurveda.

And the big thing is - it's not just about the weight.

Yes that's the obvious external change...me losing 13kgs and Nathan losing 17kgs is definitely  noticeable...but this has been a much bigger transformation than that!

Going back almost 10 months now to July 9 - a day after my 28th birthday - I had my first appointment with a local Ayurvedia practitioner at Aspects of Healing.

People have asked why Ayurveda, and all I can say is that it jumped out so many times I finally had to do something about it!

So anyway, after a bunch of questions, my pulse being taken and sticking out my tongue, I was given the simple verdict...

I'm a Pitta-Kapha, with a Kapha imbalance.

And the explanations that followed from there absolutely hit the nail on the head!

When out of balance, a Kapha is essentially slow and lethargic, in every sense of the word.

It's the heaviest of the 3 constitutions, which translates into a heavy digestion in both mind and body.

From holding onto ideas and procrastinating, to being lazy and a couch potato in general when out of whack.

And boy did I have all of the symptoms in spades!

So just what is Ayurveda?

Well I can tell you what it's not.

It's not a fad diet, it's not about pigeon holing every person into the same category, it's not about shakes or meal replacements, and it's not about fanatical exercise.

Of course, if any or all of the above work for you, then good for you, but they've always meant nothing to me, and if anything, I think they all encourage eating disorders and self-esteem issues!

Anyway, off of the soapbox and back to Ayurveda.

It's an Indian approach to food and lifestyle and means the 'science of life'. It's all about living life to keep yourself in balance - body, mind and soul.

It's probably best to Google it for the precise explanation - but to put it in simple terms, when you're born, you're one or a mix of the 3 main types - Kapha, Pitta and Vata.

Then, depending on how you live your life, you'll either balance or imbalance your natural constitution.

Obviously the aim is to balance!

And as I said, it's more than just food - it's a true lifestyle.

I find that I'm really drawn to ancient and indigenous approaches, and so it's no surprise this really resonates with me, having been around for over 5,000 years.

It's amazing how much they knew without the wonders of modern science!

So back to what's changed...

I think the simplest way to sum it up is that I'm digesting life so much better! 

From a body perspective - cutting out wheat made a massive difference. And yes, this ex-pasta addict is now clean and loving it!

No wheat, dairy or red meat, and avoiding any sweet, sour or salty foods, means my body is no longer doing a whole bunch of work just to digest what I've eaten.

So I've got so much more energy right throughout the day - gone is the 3 o'clock chocolate/sugar craving!

This also makes a huge difference from a mind perspective. I'm so much more alert and often brimming with new ideas.

And I've noticed how more and more, I'm happy to move through ideas and change my beliefs so much more readily if they're not working for me.

Not to say that works perfectly all the time! There's still a few I hold onto...but I'm working on them!

And from a spirit perspective, I've also adopted new practices that really complement my life.

I'm still working on integrating meditation into my life, but pretty much each morning now I get up between 5 and 530 and do yoga to kick off my day. (And yes I know, I was the person who said that I didn't even know the hour of 5 existed!)

All in all, I feel sooooooo much better.

As does Nathan. We're both trying our best to keep living by this because it just makes sense for us.

Has it all been smooth sailing?

No of course not! Week 3-6 was an absolute killer - I went through so much of a battle with my ego who was trying to convince me that everything I had been doing was perfectly fine, and why should I change.

Fortunately I won the battle, and kept moving through that!

There have been other challenges along the way, and of late, I've decided to test a few things out, seemingly to just remind myself of why I don't eat certain things now.

Ie - chocolate!

Surely one little bit can't be that bad.

But then, like today I ate a Caramello Koala and remember why I don't eat chocolate now - it makes me feel gross, bloated and in general my body doesn't like it! (Sorry Mum, I don't mean to blaspheme, but chocolate and I are no longer friends!!!)

Actually, that's probably been the biggest thing to come out of all of this.

I've realised just how sensitive my body is, and the concrete link from it to my mind and spirit.

I haven't got the layers of crap covering it up anymore!

A great example is how I can now instantly see how sugar makes me go on edge - now I understand how much food would have contributed to my being at my peak with anxiety.

And while this has meant cutting out a lot of foods that used to bring me plenty of comfort, it's all been worth it (something I need to remind myself of at the moment!).

Phew that was an essay. And it's not even the half of it really!

Of course, no "before & after" is complete without photo evidence!

So here we go....I didn't have the 'glazed pork' photos handy of us about 5 years ago (when we were red, shiny and puffy!), but here's us looking well rounded in the Grampians in December 09 (you can't see it, but Nathan's tummy is just as rounded as mine!)...

And one from my best friend's wedding in October 10, only 3 months into our transformation...we've come even further since, but this is a favourite photo of mine!

Actually one last one - this is me at the wedding loving that fact that for the first time in my life, I had a flatter stomach than Lucy!!! Believe me, she's famous for it! And fair enough she had a pretty good excuse, but I'm still counting it - I wasn't even sucking in!

Anyway, if you've been searching for a food and lifestyle approach to apply to your life then I can highly, highly, highly recommend Ayurveda.

Particularly if you want one that helps you lose the layers on all levels of your being.

Nathan and I are fabulous examples of just how well it can work.

You can see the difference in our eyes alone - they sparkle with energy and life now, rather than the dull gleam of old.

In short - we love Ayurveda!

The plot thickens...

Wow...what a day...what a weekend...what a fortnight!! 

The lessons and kerplunk moments are coming thick and fast for me at the moment (you know the ones when the penny doesn't just drop, they hit the ground with a thud!).

I started writing this last week, but didn't get the chance to actually hit post...could've partially been me wanting my ducks in a row before I posted it, ie wanting to be 'cured' of my chest infection entirely.

But as it turns out this lovely chesty business had a bit more to teach me than I'd first thought!

I got to a point last week when I thought - wow would you just go away.

But as I'm learning more and more, my body is a sensitive apparatus nowadays.

When I'm out of balance, be it mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually - it quickly shows itself...and doesn't go away until the imbalance is fixed, consciously or subconsciously.

Not that I jump right to it and fix things at the slightest inkling, but in cases such as this, I didn't really have the choice. It was a little too obvious for me to ignore and hoping it'd just go away wasn't working!

So finally last week I went 'right body, clearly I still haven't learnt the lesson, otherwise you would be feeling better by now - so let's have it!'

Without further ado, here's some of the things I've learn this last few weeks...I say some, because this is really only a snippet!

Despite having a lot of colour in my life...I can be a bit black and white

Which is kind of funny seeing as I'm a Collingwood supporter!

I can be very logical, cause and effect - which serves me well in a lot of instances.

But where it doesn't serve me is when I get into judgment mode - making something right or wrong and  only looking at the surface to make a fairly snap judgment rather than looking deeper, or taking a step back to see the trees and the forest.

Kind of funny seeing as I'm all about getting to the cause of things, not just treating the symptom!

Take this illness for instance...I instantly jumped to the conclusion that I'd been thinking the 'wrong' thoughts that I just need to fix and then voila, it'd be all good (a habit I'd been running with for a while, I think it's perfectionism in disguise!).

So off I went to my Mind-Body bibles - aka Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life, and Inna Segal's The Secret Language of Your Body.

I read the symptoms, went yep - I tick all those boxes (not for the first time I might add, I've had chesty goodness before!). So now I'll stick my affirmations up, fix my thoughts and it'll all be ok.

What I've only just realised though that I forgot the crucial element - affirmations don't make things happen, they make things welcome. 

So me saying the 'right' words alone wasn't going to fix it - but it did bring about the elements I needed to look at. And in turn the healing.

Oh - KERPLUNK!!!!

That's freakin' hilarious - I literally only just realised that! Ha - I almost know Louise's book back the front and I am a massive mind-body head...but I'd forgotten that key element!!!!

Affirmations and thoughts in general are the beginning - not the be all and end all!

Aaah - this is what I love about life - the unfurling and discovering new gems!

Wow. Anyway, here's a few things that have contributed to me breathing clearer and having a much lighter chest...

1. I need to rest - and that's ok! 
• Nathan had said to me a week or so prior to me getting sick that I need to just take a week off for myself, but I said I couldn't. Well apparently I could when forced to!
• While I love to be on the go and doing things, it can be detrimental to my health when there's too much go and no stop.
2. Time to simplify my life. 
• Part of the mind-body symptom for an Upper Respiratory Cold is 'Too much going on at once' and boy have I had that in spades! An ongoing lesson for me is simplifying my life rather than attempting to do seventeen things at once, and not achieving any of them. 
• Essentially I need to give up the need to be superwoman - while I do look great in a cape, I'm not so down with the knickers over tights! 
3. I had too much Kapha going on...
• I'll explain this further this week when I finally do a blog on Ayurveda and it's amazing effect on my life! But essentially, I had been eating foods and doing things that caused a build up of Kapha in my body, aka mucus. Bleurgh.
4. I needed to get [more than] a few things off of my chest...
• Something that has happened progressively these last few weeks. Feeling better for it too!

And now for my personal favourite...

It's time to let my guard down.

I was lying in bed two Tuesdays ago after listening to week 1 of Dr Susan Bernstein's Reinvent your Role online course (all about getting more out of your work or figuring out where to next - highly recommend it!).

At any rate, as part of that session, she'd spoken about describing the Sensations in your body...then getting to the Emotion...then the Thought (or getting SET for short). 

As I mentioned before, I'd been going straight to the thought and then how I can fix it - ha! So anyway, I thought I'd give this a crack, because I had a very noticeable sensation to try it out on...

I felt like I had a brick on my chest so I thought ok, what does this actually feel like.

It's tight...restrictive...heavy. It's also feels like my heart's in a cage or armour or shell of some sort. Yeah that's it, a shell. But it's soft underneath.

And a second later I almost burst out laughing (but didn't because Nathan was sleeping!)...because I'm a Cancer...so yep it's time to shed my little crabby shell!

I'll split this particular topic into a few posts over the coming weeks - otherwise this is going to be a bit of an epic.

(Ha ha - I just walked out to the kitchen as this song lyric was played 'I've got nothing to hide'! True that!)

So to finish up - here's my favourite quote I've heard of late that I think sums up this post and my last few weeks perfectly...

"Your body never lies, but your mind seldom tells the truth."

And I'd add - don't try and tell your body that it's wrong, it's just a waste of time!