The making of a miracle

Well here I am, 35 weeks pregnant and counting...counting down to the day we'll be holding our little one in our arms! 

Amazing really that we're in the home stretch now - excuse the pun, because stretching is what I'll be doing as this bub chubs up!

Anyway, as I alluded to in this blog, it took us some time to collect all the ingredients we needed to get this little bun in the oven.

Only a few months shy of 3 years in fact.

I thought about blogging about it so many times, as a release and to also let others in the same boat know they're not alone.

But then it was all a bit raw, confusing and so often painful. And I think I didn't want to tell the world to avoid those knowing looks accompanied by "oh you're 'trying'..." thoughts/words!

So going back the few years, our big decision came about like this...

I woke up at a friends house having had a really vivid dream where the punchline was that I was looking at things around the wrong way.

Cue the kerplunk...

Turn to Nathan excitedly and say, oh I get it - we can have kids, then go overseas again! 

But boy I never realised that this one decision would then unleash a whole host of changes and challenges.

Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Physically, it wasn't as simple for me as stopping taking the pill after more than 10 years and bingo I'm back in sync. (Which also had to do with the mentally & emotionally bit, but more on that later).

Stopping taking it was definitely a cracker decision in itself because it had positive effects on my body and mind.

But I didn't go back to a 'normal' cycle and then the year later when I came across Ayurveda and lost almost 15kg and shed a bunch of mental weight as well, that had repercussions and it turned into 3 month cycles rather than a bit over a month.

(And being a bit over a month wasn't actually that big a deal but I was still suffering from perfectionist tendencies at the time so I made it into one!)

I kept looking at myself thinking what's 'wrong' with me...and so I tried a few different approaches, a few vitamins and things to see if that would 'fix' it but then that lead to other issues. Mainly because they were intended to fix something that wasn't really there to begin with.

I went to see a Gyno and almost immediately was offered a drug that'd fling a bunch of eggs out to give us a better shot at getting pregnant.

But that didn't compute with me because it wasn't going to make my cycles more regular or bring my body into balance. Yes it might fix a symptom, but the cause would still remain. That and if it lead to me getting pregnant - would the issue still be there again once I'd had the bub?

Deep down I also knew that there wasn't anything wrong with me as such and I didn't need the drugs.

And that if I really believed in the mind-body connection and that everything happens at the right time that I'd been duping myself out of a chance to follow that through.

Fortunately for me, Nathan was on the exact same page so I had his full support.

So I stopped taking my plethora of vitamins, stopped seeking interpretations from different practitioners and decided I needed to do this myself. (And with Nathan by my side of course!)

From there, I did my best to simplify and kept trying to figure out what mental & emotional blocks were there that were manifesting physically.

Then last year I went almost 6 months without a period and that was the catalyst to leave full-time work and get my health back on track.

I'd been asked so many times whether I had stress in my life and while I didn't really think I did, for me a little bit can go a long way.

I realised that I just had too much going on and hadn't actually stopped for 6 months to recharge and renew...and my body was echoing that.

Amazingly the day after I resigned was the day my new cycle started, funny that!

The other aspect to the physical side in the last year or so was what came to be dubbed the uterus of fire!

Sorry if you get a bit icked by bodily things, but my last few periods were accompanied by astonishing cramps and pain, almost passing out and not being able to function until drugs kicked in. (And no, I didn't like having to resort to drugs but got over that too!)

Again, being such a strong believer in the mind-body connection, I think the pain was heavily linked to guilt and not wanting to have my period. Because having it meant I wasn't pregnant, which was bad because we really wanted to be! Hence the strain and pain. Meow, even thinking about it now brings it back and it really was awful!

Mentally. Ah mentally. Like I said, I didn't realise that the one decision would expand out so much.

I also didn't realise how many different beliefs I was carrying about getting pregnant and having kids!

But true to form, I had to peel the many layers back to get to the core, just like I'd done with other big things in my life.

At the start, Nathan & I didn't tell anyone that we'd decided kiddies would be cool, because we'd wanted it to be a 'surprise'. But then also because I think at the time I didn't want the pressure of others knowing and I'd wondered what others would think of me (yep that old chestnut was still around then too!).

Early on I also went through waves of being excited then flipping that on its head and thinking nooooo! If I get pregnant my life will end...aka work will stop, I won't be able to travel or do other things I'd planned, I'll be the one looking after the bub, etc etc.

Funny seeing as I'm looking forward to that all now!

At that time too I was still running a few anxiety habits - mainly that I wanted it to happen quickly so it all be over with and I wouldn't have to go through anything. That's a good one that one.

There was also letting go of the dream of going back overseas before kiddywinks, something I always thought I'd do and in part had let that define me. And so that created the lesson of 'no decision is absolute - you can always make a new one'!

Right throughout it too, we had the fun task of holding on to our belief that the Universe has got it all under control and we just have to keep the faith because everything happens at the right time.

But I tell you what, there was many a teary moment of 'I know it's going to happen at the right time, but I'd just like to know when that's going to be'!!!

And the blame and shame moments, they were fun too. It can be a difficult thing not to blame yourself when you find out that everything's fine & dandy with your partner from a physical perspective, so then clearly, it's all my fault.

But of course that's a crock, because there's sooooo many elements that need to be in place to get pregnant. When you think hard enough about it, it's phenomenal that so many little tackers are born because the timing does have to be perfect!

There was a bunch of other stuff too, but I'm blaming pregnant brain because nothing else is coming to me at the moment! (Oh and yes, pregnancy brain is real, even though I'd hoped it was a myth!!)

Emotionally, wowee what a rollercoaster!

Excitement, frustration, shame, happiness, sadness, wonderment, anguish, guilt, blame, embarrassment, anticipation, you name it, I had it all.

Even right to the end. The weekend before we found out was Easter and we were at a friend's place having a great weekend.

One of the conversations I had with the girls was about babies and where we were at. Finding out that another one of my friends had fallen pregnant in just 2 months seemed to tip the balance for me.

Which was interesting because right throughout the process I never got sad, angry or upset if someone else got pregnant - I was always super excited for them. Mainly because I think I knew that everyone has a different set of circumstances that lead them to getting pregnant so no point comparing.

But that night I ended up sobbing on Nathan's chest saying 'I don't understand what we're doing wrong and what I still need to learn. Why does this have to be so hard?' (Not for the first time!)

At this point in time I was a couple of weeks late, even by my irregular standards. But I'd thought that I'd managed to 'do it to myself again', and despite my best efforts, even though I'd stopped work some stress must be lingering still.

So I did end the sobfest with, yes it would be funny if I'm getting hung up about this and it turns out I am pregnant now.

Well as we found out that next Thursday - YES I AM, YIPPPPPEEEEEEEEE!!!

So there you go - all's well that ends well!!

Looking back on it all, it definitely did play out exactly like it was supposed to.

We've both said numerous times that thank goodness the Universe is much more clever than us because if we had fallen pregnant when we first decided we wanted to then yikes!

It would have been a very different pregnancy, and we definitely weren't in the position we are now physically, mentally, emotionally or even financially.

And I think the timing itself was geared around a few defining beliefs that Nathan & I had, including...

I wanted to be physically fit and as balanced as I could be before getting pregnant. Tick.

While we knew you can never be truly ready for kids from a money or a maturity perspective, we'd like to be in a decent position. Tick.

I called the last few years my research phase where I was finding out more about looking after babies and kiddywinks so we'd have some idea of what to do. Tick.

I used to be of the school of thought of dogs after kids, but then decided to swap sides. Tick.

And one that really stands out for me - I distinctly remember sitting at a naturopath appointment about midway through this journey. Through tears I said 'I don't want to pass on my anxieties to my child'...which meant I'd wanted to deal with all of that and not have it as part of my life when I got pregnant. Big tick!


So there you have it. I hope you made a cuppa before embarking on this thesis! And while for some this might just be a story, I'm sure it'll hit a bit closer to home for others.

If you are someone who's been keen to have kids and it hasn't happened as quickly as you thought, then I feel for you.

What I learnt is that it is a big burden to carry yourself and that while you don't need to scream it from the rooftops, you might be surprised by the overwhelming amount of love and support you get even by telling just one other person.

And that there's actually a lot of people who are just like you.

And that you're not weird or somehow defective.

Lots of love xoxoxox

PS If I'm the person you can tell about it, I'd be more than happy to listen, provide tissues and help any way that I can.

Look out comfort zone, I'm coming through!

As most of you know, in the past few months I've had the opportunity to unleash my inner Princess!

And I thought that was the perfect segway into talking about getting out of my comfort zone.

Because despite the fact that I'm a fairly confident person - I still have plenty of moments where I go eeekkk...do I really want to get myself into this? Maybe it's safer just to stay here!

Generally my hesitation revolves around lovely little doubts like...

• Will I be able to fit this in?
• It'll take too long!
• Will I be able to commit to this fully?
• Do I really want/need to do this?
• I'm happy staying here!
• Can I be bothered?!

Sometime I notice and think - aha! The perfect reason to do this is to get out of my comfort zone and prove that I can do it.

After all, how can I grow if I stay the same and not try new things?

But then there's plenty of other times I haven't noticed that I'm putting things off because of little fears and doubts...sneaky, very sneaky!

Anyway, back to letting my inner Princess out because it's such a great example of how I've had to go charging through my comfort zone several times these past few months and have definitely grown as a person because of it.

Not the least of which was just putting my hand up to do it!

But first of all, for those reading this that aren't Adelaideans, I really should explain what I'm talking about!

I work for Police Credit Union who are a proud sponsor of the Credit Union Christmas Pageant...a huge, iconic event on the Adelaide calendar that heralds the start of Christmas here in SA, and is such an amazing event to be part of!

Anyway, one of the traditions is to have Princesses from the different sponsoring credit unions (and now Princes!) and you go through an interview process to potentially become Queen.

In the past, I'd always been on the interview panel at work to pick our royalty, but with my change in roles this year I was free to put my hand up...although it took some serious thought on my part as to whether I wanted to do that!

Do I really want to? Will I have enough time? Am I someone who wears a puffy pink frock?! What will people think of me?

In the end I thought you know what, if I'm picked as Princess it'll definitely put me out of my comfort zone.

Yes I'm good with the public speaking and have plenty of community spirit...but acting like a Princess and hanging out with a whole bunch of kids will be new things for me!

At any rate, I'm so glad I nominated because it's been great fun - even if I have had to take a few big leaps since.

The comfort zone was flashing red (or should that be pink!) the day I had to do media training - the crux of which is being put on the spot and having to answer mock questions from a journalist.

Yes I know I can talk and talk and talk, and I'm even one of those weirdos who enjoys public speaking. But I much prefer knowing the questions in advance and rehearsing!!

Anyway, deep breaths, smiling, adrenaline, quick thinking and marketing speak pulled me through there and it wasn't so hard after all.

The next encounter with the old c-zone happened when the PR company called to say did I want to be on TV for a short news story?!

Of course I was a bit nervous, but I jumped at it thinking it'd be something completely different to anything I'd done before. And I'm really glad I did!

I even got told I was a media natural by several people so I was chuffed! See what you think - can you tell I'd had to crash through the zone...



A big part of our royal duties is going out to schools and hospitals to visit kids and sprinkle a little bit of Pageant magic into their lives. Yet again it's been an opportunity to jump over a comfort zone hurdle (particularly learning the lines for our little play!).

But again it's been so much fun!

I think the fortunate thing for me is that I am able to push through fear and use my nervous energy to my advantage.

And it's also fortunate that I only tend to blush slightly now so apparently it's not so obvious that my heart is beating at a rapid rate of knots!!

Another thing that spurs me on is a very clear memory I have from when I was 4.

I was asked if I wanted to do a little spin on the catwalk for a local fashion parade and my first reaction was one of terror! No I don't think I can do that...how will I look? What will people think of me? (Oh yes, I had anxiety issues way back then!)

I quickly said no thanks, but then as I watched the little girls moseying up the catwalk later, I realised I could have done it easily.

It's provides such a good reminder to me that I don't want to regret not trying something because of a few butterflies (whether they're small or large!).

And I'm sure you'll agree with me that it's never as hard as what you thought it would be anyway!

Lastly, another reason I like getting out of my comfort zone - either by doing new things, or going first at something - is that I like to inspire others to do the same.

After all, if I can do it - you can too!

I think it's part of the reason I was put here, even if it sounds trivial.

Despite what my head sometimes tells me, I really don't mind being up on display (exhibit a is this blog!), particularly if it'll help someone else realise what they are capable of.

Oh and the other check I now do when I'm kicking off 'Operation: Bust through CZ' is to check am I actually nervous or excited??

My fabulous friend Kylie introduced me to this little trick and apologies if I've written about this before.

On the surface, fear and excitement can present as really similar physical sensations...ooohhh, that's  right you say!

So if you go into your physical feeling a bit, or stand back from it for a second, you might just find that you're not actually experiencing anxiety - you're just excited with the anticipation of it all!

Anyway, the next time you're faced with an opportunity to get out of your comfort zone, just think of me in my pink Princess frock and...


GO FOR IT!!!

Speaking of comfort zones...the day I had to get frocked up, pick from a bunch of props and ham it up for our glam royal shoot definitely propelled me out of mine. It was like free choice writing at school...aaahhh, don't tell me I can do anything, give me a structure to be creative within! Anyway, after a deep breath and thinking 'I can do this!', voila the butterfly Princess was born!!

A big thanks to the very talented Liam West who took this pic, the man's got skills with a camera.

© Lightly Salted/Liam West 2011

I'm back baby...bigger and better than ever!

I hadn't realised it had been so long since I posted my last blog, but it's nice to be tapping away at the keyboard again...and you'll definitely be hearing from me more often.


Boy have I had some great kerplunk moments these last couple of months.


There's been plenty of great lessons, plenty of unravelling and 'oooohhhh that makes so much sense now'!!! 


I've also had so much to smile about!


In general I feel like I'm at a much more contented place which is nice. 


It was funny because I hadn't realised quite how much had been simmering away under the surface until it all came spilling out in a few conversations.


Anyway, I'll stop speaking in riddles and get onto one of my kerplunks.


Lesson # 364 - Just because I have the time doesn't mean I have to fill it up!


In my last blog, I said about how I was going to work on identifying where I was overcommitting....say it out loud...and make a change.


And I'm proud to say I've achieved all of that. Not to say I'm perfect now, but my life is a lot different to the couple of months ago!


Anyway, getting back to lesson #364 and something I noticed fairly early in the unravelling...


Just when I started to create a bit of space for myself I seem to fill it back up again, and not with something for me.  


So why did I need to do this? Well I came up with a few ideas... 

• Because I can 
• I've got the time, so why not help someone else 
• So others don't think I'm lazy! 
• I enjoy helping 

All of which are quite valid reasons, but this knee-jerk reaction to fill up my time for someone else's benefit was keeping me away from doing things that I wanted to do for myself, or as Sonia Choquette puts it - doing what feeds my soul.


It was only a week or so before my last blog that I heard the Dalai Lama say...you need to look after yourself first. 

And that he makes sure he takes care of himself first so that he has the energy to help others. 

So if it's good enough for the Lama - it's good enough for me!! 

Another part of lesson #364 has been learning when to say 'I'd love to, but maybe later'.


This was given a huge helping hand when my fabulous soul sister Kylie set me a challenge:


To not take on any more new things this year.


Sounds simple doesn't it. And as soon as she said it I said 'you're on'!! 


I love it - it makes so much sense, yet it took Kylie saying it to realise that it's exactly what I needed.


The best part is - I've stuck by it.


What I've set about doing these past couple of months is just ticking off what's already on my plate rather than adding more.


It's all about clearing the decks!


And so far it's been working a treat - exhibit a) having time to sit down again to write my blog.

Another huge shift in my life has been changing my expectations.

What I realised was that I'd been putting sooooo much pressure on myself and spinning myself into a frenzy...an internal one of course! 

I'm a bit clever really because I hadn't even noticed myself, then it all came tumbling out at a great rate of knots! 

In my mind, everything had to be done now.

And of course, good luck with that! 

What it turned into was having a huge to do list every single day...not knowing what to start next...or just beating myself up for having not done things I said I would.

Bleurgh! 

Now I'm making it my mission to be realistic about the time it takes for me to do things...and more importantly being open about that and telling the people involved. 

Because for a long time it's been the source of stress and why I end up overcommitting and underdelivering. 

What I figured out was that it's a bit hard to know what I can do in a day/week/month/year if I don't know how long it all takes me.

Oooohhhh - why didn't I think of that before!

This little insight has literally revolutionised my whole working life and home life!! 

The final thing I've cottoned on to of late - I only need to take the next step.

Not the next 7, just the next 1. 

It was another thing I hadn't realised I was doing, but when I took a step back I could see why I was getting a bit frazzled over things - I wasn't breaking it down enough and was trying to do it all at once.

Aren't I a good little Gen Y - I want it and I want it now!!

Anyway, the good thing is, I've worked out how it feels when I'm jumping ahead to the next step...or 50 in front! 

And the good news is I've been listening to those intuitive nudges and taking a deep breath!

Speaking of the next step - I've started running.

Yep me - a runner! 

I was asked if I wanted to do the City to Bay a couple of months ago and I said sure, why not! I've never ran in my life (darting about on a netball court doesn't count), so I wasn't really sure how I'd go.

But I've loved it!

In itself, it's a great lesson in just putting one foot in front of the other rather than thinking too far ahead.

And more importantly - that you never know what you can do until you try!

So I thought I'd leave you with the photo of me before my first run - which by the way was a whole 2km without stopping, look at me go!!

Our incredible disappearing act!

Geez, what happened to the other half of you?


Have you lost weight?


Have you lost more weight?


Wow you're looking great - what have you been doing?

These are some of the comments both Nathan and I have been getting over the last 6 or so months.

So what's our secret? It's just one simple word...

Ayurveda.

And the big thing is - it's not just about the weight.

Yes that's the obvious external change...me losing 13kgs and Nathan losing 17kgs is definitely  noticeable...but this has been a much bigger transformation than that!

Going back almost 10 months now to July 9 - a day after my 28th birthday - I had my first appointment with a local Ayurvedia practitioner at Aspects of Healing.

People have asked why Ayurveda, and all I can say is that it jumped out so many times I finally had to do something about it!

So anyway, after a bunch of questions, my pulse being taken and sticking out my tongue, I was given the simple verdict...

I'm a Pitta-Kapha, with a Kapha imbalance.

And the explanations that followed from there absolutely hit the nail on the head!

When out of balance, a Kapha is essentially slow and lethargic, in every sense of the word.

It's the heaviest of the 3 constitutions, which translates into a heavy digestion in both mind and body.

From holding onto ideas and procrastinating, to being lazy and a couch potato in general when out of whack.

And boy did I have all of the symptoms in spades!

So just what is Ayurveda?

Well I can tell you what it's not.

It's not a fad diet, it's not about pigeon holing every person into the same category, it's not about shakes or meal replacements, and it's not about fanatical exercise.

Of course, if any or all of the above work for you, then good for you, but they've always meant nothing to me, and if anything, I think they all encourage eating disorders and self-esteem issues!

Anyway, off of the soapbox and back to Ayurveda.

It's an Indian approach to food and lifestyle and means the 'science of life'. It's all about living life to keep yourself in balance - body, mind and soul.

It's probably best to Google it for the precise explanation - but to put it in simple terms, when you're born, you're one or a mix of the 3 main types - Kapha, Pitta and Vata.

Then, depending on how you live your life, you'll either balance or imbalance your natural constitution.

Obviously the aim is to balance!

And as I said, it's more than just food - it's a true lifestyle.

I find that I'm really drawn to ancient and indigenous approaches, and so it's no surprise this really resonates with me, having been around for over 5,000 years.

It's amazing how much they knew without the wonders of modern science!

So back to what's changed...

I think the simplest way to sum it up is that I'm digesting life so much better! 

From a body perspective - cutting out wheat made a massive difference. And yes, this ex-pasta addict is now clean and loving it!

No wheat, dairy or red meat, and avoiding any sweet, sour or salty foods, means my body is no longer doing a whole bunch of work just to digest what I've eaten.

So I've got so much more energy right throughout the day - gone is the 3 o'clock chocolate/sugar craving!

This also makes a huge difference from a mind perspective. I'm so much more alert and often brimming with new ideas.

And I've noticed how more and more, I'm happy to move through ideas and change my beliefs so much more readily if they're not working for me.

Not to say that works perfectly all the time! There's still a few I hold onto...but I'm working on them!

And from a spirit perspective, I've also adopted new practices that really complement my life.

I'm still working on integrating meditation into my life, but pretty much each morning now I get up between 5 and 530 and do yoga to kick off my day. (And yes I know, I was the person who said that I didn't even know the hour of 5 existed!)

All in all, I feel sooooooo much better.

As does Nathan. We're both trying our best to keep living by this because it just makes sense for us.

Has it all been smooth sailing?

No of course not! Week 3-6 was an absolute killer - I went through so much of a battle with my ego who was trying to convince me that everything I had been doing was perfectly fine, and why should I change.

Fortunately I won the battle, and kept moving through that!

There have been other challenges along the way, and of late, I've decided to test a few things out, seemingly to just remind myself of why I don't eat certain things now.

Ie - chocolate!

Surely one little bit can't be that bad.

But then, like today I ate a Caramello Koala and remember why I don't eat chocolate now - it makes me feel gross, bloated and in general my body doesn't like it! (Sorry Mum, I don't mean to blaspheme, but chocolate and I are no longer friends!!!)

Actually, that's probably been the biggest thing to come out of all of this.

I've realised just how sensitive my body is, and the concrete link from it to my mind and spirit.

I haven't got the layers of crap covering it up anymore!

A great example is how I can now instantly see how sugar makes me go on edge - now I understand how much food would have contributed to my being at my peak with anxiety.

And while this has meant cutting out a lot of foods that used to bring me plenty of comfort, it's all been worth it (something I need to remind myself of at the moment!).

Phew that was an essay. And it's not even the half of it really!

Of course, no "before & after" is complete without photo evidence!

So here we go....I didn't have the 'glazed pork' photos handy of us about 5 years ago (when we were red, shiny and puffy!), but here's us looking well rounded in the Grampians in December 09 (you can't see it, but Nathan's tummy is just as rounded as mine!)...

And one from my best friend's wedding in October 10, only 3 months into our transformation...we've come even further since, but this is a favourite photo of mine!

Actually one last one - this is me at the wedding loving that fact that for the first time in my life, I had a flatter stomach than Lucy!!! Believe me, she's famous for it! And fair enough she had a pretty good excuse, but I'm still counting it - I wasn't even sucking in!

Anyway, if you've been searching for a food and lifestyle approach to apply to your life then I can highly, highly, highly recommend Ayurveda.

Particularly if you want one that helps you lose the layers on all levels of your being.

Nathan and I are fabulous examples of just how well it can work.

You can see the difference in our eyes alone - they sparkle with energy and life now, rather than the dull gleam of old.

In short - we love Ayurveda!

If you don't like it - change it!

This seems to be my lesson for today!

If you don't like something, there's no point in sitting there thinking about what you don't want because you'll only bring more of that into your life. Let it go!

I was listening to Wayne Dyer on Hayhouse Radio this morning (if you haven't tuned in yet, do yourself a favour!) and he said to a caller words to the effect of 'Your challenge in the next 2 weeks is to change your thinking on this subject"

So I'm taking that challenge - in the next 2 weeks it's all about out with the old, in with the new.
As I've read before - wanting something different in your life and not taking any action to get there is like standing in one room and pointing to another saying I want to be there...but then not taking any steps!

Bring it on!