Thursday, February 3, 2011

I have a confession to make...

I've been breaking the rules!

And the silly thing is - I'm not really sure why because I really don't like to do that!!

I'm an honest person, I don't like to tell fibs let alone lie or make up fake excuses...and I really don't like breaking the rules!

Today was a classic at work - I essentially got a pre-warning warning. What on earth...I hear you ask?!

Well - for some reason I decided not to play by our compliance rules (despite being our department's most experienced compliance guru/nazi).

Essentially we have to get signoff before we print anything, or publish it on the website (surely you've seen the disclaimers at the end of bank/credit union ads?!). And for some reason - my brain decided to forget/ignore that and I just went about my job publishing a few things without the essential sign-off.

When I realised what I was doing today - of course I dobbed myself in. And I felt really awful about the whole thing - I haven't felt that guilty in ages! 

Particularly because my boss copped it a bit from another Exec. But I didn't get told off by my boss, because I did the telling off for him!

The best excuse I could come up with was having a brain fade...but then I wondered whether part of me did know what I was doing and just figured I could get away with it.

Me - get away with it, ha!

As Mum & Dad (and Nathan, and pretty much all other friends) will vouch - I'm an awful liar. 

If I get asked a direct question, I'm useless at telling a fib to cover it, I tend to just tell the truth or kind of go 'aaahhhh, well...' and hope the subject evaporates or gets changed!

And I'm not one of those kids who ever 'got away with it' because I'd usually feel guilty and dob myself in!

So anyway, why am I doing this and what's the lesson to learn?

Well after feeling guilty and beating myself up about it for an hour or so, I couldn't help but giggle. The whole thing is so silly to do something wrong effectively on purpose!

It dawned on me that this is a great example of self-sabotage, which appears to be showing up in a few ways of late.

Whether it's eating things I know my body doesn't like and figuring oh I'll be ok, despite knowing I'll feel ick after.

To not wearing the right attire to work (as in a bit more casual then I should be) - again I figured I could probably get away with it...because I work in marketing! Apparently not, because our HR manager had a whisper to our boss (about our whole department, not just me!)

And then little silly things like not sending in a form on time...staying over the time limit in a parking spot...not getting to work on time...beating myself up over things that have happened in the past...procrastinating...ignoring updating our budget...not making the time to study even though I love it...

It's like I'm angling for punishment!

Anyway, I'm going to put it out there that 'I release the need to self-sabotage' and see what else comes up as I go about ditching this old pattern that definitely no longer serves me.

And speaking of exciting news - I got into Half Lotus in yoga yesterday for the first time, yippee! Here's picture evidence...

Look at me go!

It was a great surprise last night and confirms that I have let go of tension and blocks from my hips, which in mind-body terms means more balance in my life and I'm moving forward with ease.

And ain't that the truth!

So anyway, with the self-sabotage, rather than see this as a set-back or something I'm doing 'wrong'...I'm going to see it just as something else to let go of because I don't need it anymore.

And I'm looking forward to seeing what takes it's place!

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